… or more like the lack there of. It seems like for the first time in a long time I just want to sit and actually be able to draw, and pretend that things are normal in my life. I could always just sit down and do it, but as I approach my sketchbook my confidence just droops in an instant, and I turn away from it as if I was just insulted. I've never had so much trouble trying to do something as simple as drawing a picture. Shouldn't it beat this upper-level college work I'm constantly stuck with?? Current circumstances just add to this frustration, as of mid-late August I have been getting very ill, in freakish ways I never knew possible, because I was leased a unit infested with black mold (and yes, I'm still in this mold infested trap). I feel trapped, and all around just very unliked, as the powers-that-be of the unit seem very unsympathetic to my situation, and the fact that I've made two miserable trips to the ER in less than a month apart because of this, though I'm not surprised. So now the law has to get involved, blah blah blah, because of initiating circumstances, but I still feel in a way that I deserve this. For selfish reasons I got myself into this, because I wasn't strong enough to handle what the summer had for me (my current most recent deviation was a precursor to this; what I had to deal with). I just wish life had a rewind button sometimes (ok a LOT of times). My emotions have always gotten the better of me when it has come to decisions in my life, most of them being the very big, life-changing ones…

I've never liked dumping my problems online. I really hate to whine and whine and have people just feel sooo sorry for me, when they really shouldn't. We've all hit hard bumps in the road, and my problems are no worse or less worse than anyone else's. I got this weird poking sensation in my brain that I should at least mention the whatabouts especially since I've been very absent, from here specifically after promising manymany people I'd certainly be around more to be of assistance or a helping hand somehow, or just someone to talk to. I have felt very alone all year, and being so absent always bothers me, even though it happens so often. I always wonder if people see my profile and just go WTF??!1? Sometimes I just need a hard kick in the rear to remind myself that I'm an adult, and that considering, I should just know better by now and actually make an attempt to be this adult!

Sorry for raambleessz. I suppose I'm saying I would really like to just divebomb back into art, forgetting all of this and to just "rejoin" the community. It would no doubt help at the moment! I can't promise anything, though I will certainly do my absolute hardest to do what I can. Just gotta take that difficult first step, and to stop being such a coward about it. It's like you know you're so afraid of something, but you just don't know what, and it drives ya nuts, yet you can't get the feeling to shoo! GRUGGHRGH. I greatly under-appreciate this place. Because of it I have gotten to meet such amazing talented people of all ages, as well as some of the closest friends I've ever had from all over the world. I'm so humbled and honored to know them and see what they can do, or to even be part of their lives. Sometimes I forget the great impact this can have on lives, especially those that share the work they quite literally pour their heart and soul into, something that can be very difficult.

Anywho, to those who managed to read, a great big thanks!! (x Just writing this has helped a great load~